(disclosure: this post is longer than normal but it is about self-love and toxic relationships)
Last night I had a dream that involved one of my ex-boyfriend’s from some time ago. It was a extremely toxic time of my life. I didn’t feel safe during this time. period.
Didn’t feel safe at:
Not in my car.
Nowhere within a 30miles radius of the city we resided in.
I previously stated in my last post how I constantly like to reflect on where my life used to stand years ago from the current date.
4 years ago around this season, I was trying to prepare myself to move away from my current apartment. My ex and I were breaking up but it didn’t stop him from stalking my living whereabouts daily.
Many times, I would look towards my window and see a shadow standing there… trying hard to peep within the blinds.
I would look through the front door’s peephole and see that it was him. If I acted like I was about to open the door, he would run off.
All in all, I was stalked.
I was abused.
Mentally and physically.
This guy would come over to my apartment. Eventually start a fight with me but would REFUSE to leave.
If I tried to make him leave, he would get aggressive with me.
Physically hurting me then damage my belongings.
At the time, my older sister moved out since she graduated and I had a roommate who was not there often.
If I shouted or screamed, there was no one around to help.
He purposely would start these fights like a child.
He knew I wouldn’t call the cops because I had marijuana paraphernalia inside my apartment.
It was a plot and plow from the devil himself. Making me feel trapped and stuck.
I was with this person for over 2 years. It didn’t start off so bad but once his insecurities came unglued, it got worse and worse.
One time, he came over after getting extremely drunk and who knows what else was in his system.
I took a shower after I let him in.
I heard him on the phone with someone & I could tell he was getting angrier by the second.
I knew that I probably should get the heck out of the shower and put on clothes ASAP!!!!
As soon as I finished getting dressed in the bathroom, I went out into my bedroom.
He said he was angry because he had a guy friend that said I hung out with him one day after work.
Which was completely false. Completely!!!!!!
Until then, I never had anyone falsely accuse me of simply hanging out with them. I didn’t understand.
Since he was already out of his natural mind, he didn’t want an explanation.
He grabbed my cell phone that was on my bed & opened my front door to throw it down the concrete of stairs.
We both ran to reach the broken phone before the other.
He quickly grabbed it a hare closer than what my arms could reach… throwing it two stories down onto the ground/grass.
One thing led to another, I found myself running down, grabbing the phone and being chased after him.
I ran and screamed in the parking lot but no one came to help.
I knew it would be best if I grabbed my dog and packed up to go to my mothers an hour away just to get away from him.
As I am leaving my apartment building, he pops out of a dark corner… chasing my dog and I all the way to my car.
My dog jumps in and I follow him.
This guy jumps on-top on my car, sitting on my hood.. saying if I turn the car on, he would break my window.
*moment freeze* Hmmm… should I listen to him?!! 🤔🤔🤔
I turned that sucker on, ready to go.
Why would I get out the car?!
Crazy thing is, as I turned the car on… he stayed true to his word.
Instantly started to bash my front window in.
One blow after another.
Cracks forming all around.
Linking to one another.
I started to drive down this hill that my apartment complex sat upon. I swerved left and right trying to fling him off of my car.
It eventually worked.. he was off and rolled into the street.
Tears running down my eyes.. I drove all the way home without being able to contact ANYONE. (Since my phone was broken) 🙃.
I was okay but my poor dog was truly traumatized and still is to this day. If I ever raise my voice high enough, my dog goes to hide because of what he witnessed during that relationship. And that is from a dog.
Imagine how abusive relationships affect CHILDREN when they witness their parents going through it. I am blessed that we were not married nor did we have children together!!! *praise dance*
Reflection: God is the one who got me out of that relationship. He leveled me up and got me to realize my self-worth. My divine worth. I was able to move out of that city and somewhere more remote. All ties were cut!
Do not ever settle or allow anyone to treat you horribly. We are worth more than gold itself!!!! No one is worth putting up with such behavior. I’m not saying it was easy because it wasn’t. 😩 Sad to say, I invested a lot of time and MONEY into that person.
To God be the glory because He made all the difference by strengthening me to break away. 🦋
Society makes you think if you are single then you’re missing out. There are people who become solely dependent on constantly having a man or woman in their lives. They call it “serial dating”… one after another, after another. Never giving themselves time to work within before conjoining with another.
Self-love comes first!!!
Jesus did not die for me out of TRUE LOVE to deal with something like that.
As I woke up from my dream last night, I gave the glory to God. Thanking Him from such deliverance!!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌